Over the top

That whole "new crib" thing isn't quite working out like I hoped it would. The plan was to have Kyle sleeping in his new crib by today, with the old one in pieces and its parts starting a fantastic journey back to its manufacturer, who, in turn, would send us a voucher to pay for the new crib. Instead, right now Kyle is sleeping in his old, recalled crib, and the new crib is back in pieces and in its box, ready to be returned this week. Let's just say it wasn't a fun weekend.

Things started off well. The crib took just a few hours to put together, and it probably would have taken a lot less time had I been able to use real tools, instead of a tiny, bent strip of metal called the hex key. It's called a "hex" key because it puts a hex on your thumbs, making them completely numb and useless for hours after using the tool. Otherwise, it was a rather harmless operation.

Even before the boxes were cleared away, we decided to let Kyle try out his new crib. He loved it instantly. We had never seen him get so excited about anything like this. He laughed, clapped, and flung himself from side to side. We smiled and laughed with him, relieved to finally have a major part of the recall mess behind us. Mission accomplished! But then Kyle discovered this corner:



I don't think the designers of this crib were expecting any child to go there. The rocket scientists at Delta Enterprises, the company behind this crib, must have tested the device using a stationary baby doll. They probably figured that real babies also don't move much, so they could make the crib lower than usual at the front corners, with the sides and front at equal height so that, say, a 13-month-old child could easily put his arms around them. They then came up with a brilliant idea to have the crib's slats connect at that point, creating one "mega slat" that would be wide and sturdy enough for the feet of any, say, 13-month-old child, making it super easy to climb. But really, these designers must have thought, what kind of crazy 13 month old would want to do that? Cribs are for sleeping, not for climbing! They probably patted each other on the backs, having designed another beautifully stylish crib, and then, to celebrate, went out for an afternoon drink at the same place where they got their morning shots of hard liquor.

Our child loves to climb. He has a history of climbing out of things, going way back to three days ago. That's when, as we were all laughing, clapping, and uncorking the champagne, Kyle flung his arms over the corner and raced his feet up the corner slat, to a point where his head and chest were up over the edge. Our child paused there, still smiling and laughing, just a few steps away from flipping himself head-first out of the crib. He was fully capable of doing so. While our son was blessed with strong arms and legs, he does not yet appear to be blessed with a fear of gravity. He could not understand why our faces turned pale as we ran to him, no longer laughing but saying very loudly words he did not know. It's this lack of understanding that led him to try this stunt several more times after his parents pulled him from the edge. The hex key soon came back out, and I began disassembling the crib I had just assembled.

We had done everything right. The crib was assembled correctly, and the mattress was at its lowest setting. Yet, when I measured it, the Delta crib's rail was a full inch lower than the old crib's, putting it at Kyle's chest, and making it easier for him to fling himself out. Eventually Kyle will be big enough to climb out of any crib. Here's hoping that, by then, he'll also be old enough for a toddler bed. 13 months is still way too young by most standards... unless, of course, you go by the standards of medieval times, back when 13-month-old kids would work on the peasant farm and have children of their own.

So, for now, Kyle is back in the recalled crib, which feels safer than the Delta crib (it's the Venetian Convertible 4-in-1 model, for those of you who may be thinking of having a child that actually moves around). We're going back to Babies R Us on Thursday morning to return the Delta crib and hunt for another model. I have a dentist appointment set for next month. I'm beginning to wonder which trip I'll enjoy more.